She Screams Bloody Hallelujah

The Dark Prince - Anonymous Trans Poetry

2010-08-15T12:15:00.001-07:00

Every time I breathe now it hurts,
like I have been holding in my breath for
hours, days at a time. Exhaling feels sensational
until the burning takes me and I double over
in agony.

Each time I think of you and how much
you look like the person you want to be
I think, again, about myself. How I
am confused and lost.

Each time I am shoved into those
skin tight clothes, hugging every curve of
my body. I think back

to when I was a small child
hoping someday that with the development
of the womanly curves that I too would
feel like I belonged. But now I wish
I could go back to then, when I was
just a little girl, wishing she could be
a prince in the castle on the cloud.

I still, holding in my air, and think
to the boy, to "the dark prince".
I remember hiding under a blanket with
him, and us sharing what we had underneath
all those little children's clothing.

I always wondered why I didn't look like him.
He was "the dark prince", and I always
wanted to be the prince too, but he always said no.
He said girls were princesses, and I didn't want to hear it.
I knew I was a prince at heart.

And no one understood.

As I grew it was shoved,
shoved into the back of my mind like
so many other things.
I had finally learned the role I was
suppose to play, and ran with it.

Days turned to weeks,
weeks to months,
and months to years.
It was not forgotten, but more
stored away, until one day
I thought of it again,
and I was back at his house
under that blanket, wanting
what he had. And I inhale sharply.

Minutes go by, and finally letting free
my chest burns. Burns with the thought
of all of this.

But then a wandering boygirl came to me
and showed me that

hiding was not necessary, that I could be
who I was without shame.
And I saw them transform, but still holding my breath
I hid. Not sure of what was truth and what was fiction.
Was I really the prince in a castle on a cloud
or a grown woman trying to make her life difficult?

I don’t know if I will ever know the answer,
I will just have the memories of the "dark prince",
and all my questions, locked into one.

This is: God

2009-10-18T04:55:00.000-07:00

by Boo

Thai food & red wine, candlelight & jazz
This is where God is and this is how God be
Cheryl—a conduit of holy friendship, a marker of triune truth, a prophet of mercy & goodness
This is how God is known; this is how God & I commune
No pretense here, our laughter is shared with genuine care
God exists in life’s ironies; God thrives on being in-between
Good food, rich drink, dinner with a friend: God.

Tennis ball & naked feet, puppy dog & low tide seas
This is how God plays and this is where God speaks
The Boy—a being of surprise, a companion marked with sacred intuition, a sweet & gentle spirit of life
This is where God is experienced; this is the love of God tangible
No expectations here, our play is evidence of freedom
God exists when the tide’s in; God is present when the tide’s out
Fetch on the shore, sand in my toes, playing hard: God.

Phone calls & long sighs, bad reception & wondering silence
Even here is where God meets me and this is how God reaches me
Family—a beginning place, a redemption-bound connection, and honoring of time& growth, old & new
This is where God intervenes; this is how God heals
No question there’s love here, our beauty is not lessened by our harm
God exists in the already-and-not-yet; God embodies my sanctified mess
Memories, persevering hope, long-distance relationships: God.

Broken bread & poured out drink, confession & restoration
This is how God works and this is where God suffers with
Church—a place of calming tradition, a people of contradiction, a paradox of the chosen & blessed and the forgotten & cursed
This is when God is silent; this is where God is still speaking
No room for difference, this house often leads to homelessness
God exists to give home to the searching; God contains her body
Communal space, broken life, holy Eucharist: God.

Safe havens & soup kitchens, violence & fearful harm
This is where God gives freedom and this is how God carefully holds the created
The Marginalized—a creation of such beauty and strength, a people of prophecy, a demand for hope when all is hopeless
This is how God is revealed; this is when God’s truth is pursued
No hiding the injustice, advocacy is poetic faith in motion
God exists on the periphery; God breathes life into the weary heart
Love for the oppressed and the oppressor, hope when hope is all but lost, movement: God.

Eve & femininity, grace & utter power
This is where God is located and this is how God is given
Woman—a chosen mouthpiece of life-livingness, a being which caresses glorified sexuality, an expression of God’s otherness & intimate knowingness
This is through whom God births her newness; this is how God is tasted
No boundaries here, gender cannot contain such a realm of splendor
God exists within the felt body; God is celebrated in all forms of humanity
Head to toe, new life/renewed life, totally woman and totally more than: God.

Undefined.

2009-02-17T18:04:00.001-08:00

There is this concept,
of what society conceptualizes as "true love".

You are my definition...
beyond perfection; what you give me is raw and undefined.

A life lived,
and struggled...
you exude beauty.

You whisper a constant reminder,
that our blessings are more than mere luck,
but that they come from above...

when I look at you, how could I ever think any differently?

It is true that separation denotes death?- Nathan Bonney

2009-02-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

I pry open my hands to lift them in the air.
The second I move from fist to prayer you
look into my eyes. I weep for something more
and in the stench of it all you come.

Burrowing through every room you claim the
shadows, stuffing them in a bag. But all within
the smallest measure of time I leave you behind.
You open my eyes, but I pretend I am blind.
Clinging to a manifold of excuses, I raise the
walls between you and I.

Wake me Gabriel when the sun is dry,
when all I have left is a hollow cry.
Shake my bones from the black earth,
when all I have is of no worth.

Wake me from the listlessness. Wake me
from this insatiability that has become me
and removed me.

As the pages turn and the embers burn I
hear your voice down the hall. Tears
run as I find a little gesture in a holy
book, which assures me that you never
left at all.

You've never left at all.

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost."
- J.R. R. Tolkien

When the phone rings...

2008-04-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

The sound of an ambulance still brings me back.
Memories of passing those red flashing lights unaware of where it was going.
Hour past... the phone rang... she was gone.

My parents kitchen still remains the place,
the phone rang late, I was ready to call it a night.
Vivid memories of a cold kitchen counter, and sweaty palms.
Not able to stand, unsure if this was real I hung up the phone in anger.
Shaky legs and a second call confirming... she was gone.

A lazy friday morning, finally my day of relaxation arrived.
Laying in bed half asleep and the phone rings.
"Have you heard..." and all I can think is.... "it's happened again".
A short explanation and as always there remains no answers... he's gone.

I find it terribly chilling that through all that life can be,
through all we are capable of doing...
the phone can ring and change everything.

I feel a surge of anger, something I'm unable to control or comprehend.
A selfish desire for the end has brought so many so much pain.
Suicide leaves a mark, a mark that lasts for a lifetime, and I carry this mark like a scar.
Much like a scar it tells the stories of beloved friends,
but it also bears an unmistakable experience of pain.

He Asked for Charity by Daniel Ladinsky

2008-02-08T15:21:00.000-08:00

God came to my house and asked for charity.

And I fell on my knees and
cried, “Beloved,

what may I
give?”

“Just love,” He said.

“Just love.”

The sunny side of life...

2008-01-31T07:46:00.000-08:00

All I can do is keep breathing,

wondering what it's like on the other side of life.

In your passing words were etched in the souls of those who knew you,

and forever we will sing the anthem of your life.

Keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side.

When life was hard, family put a grin on your beautiful face.

Sadness was never possible in your presence.

You made heartache disappear by the simple sound of your voice.

In this family, something will be missing.

Until we're all together again.

Here's a corner of my heart,

just for you.

Inspired by Psalm 8

2007-12-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

A sunset, an offshore breeze.
An ever present warmth.

Love is present in our every breathe.
Each is commanded,
each is owned.

Every inch of space, every vast landscape.
Every inch of my heart,
beats your name.

An overwhelming passion to know who owns the skies.
To take you in,
to feel alive in you.
"God alone suffices." - St. Theresa of Avila

Love in it's purest form,
lives in the depths of my soul.
For it is there that you fill me,
that you walk with me,
that you live in me.

A name beyond understanding.
A God beyond capacity,
beyond walls,
beyond words.

I am yours and you are mine,
My God, My God.
In all things, above all things.

"O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is thy name in all the earth." - Psalm 8:9